meditation


spiral in, spiral out 
digging down, floating up 
take my hand, push me in 
freedom waits on the other side 



and then the sun went out

there is an absence of light all around. 
no, not darkness; 
this is where light should have traveled. 


i am enveloped, 
raptured by black talons, 
torn to pieces 
in the silence of my screams.


Sanguine Maniac

Sometimes

Forgetful missings, 
the repetitions of a year and half now behind me. 

A most bizarre sense of duality: 

seeing clearly our insurmountable incompatibility
(thank gaia for the burn alone, for the money that stays in my pocket, for the openness that i am blessed to retain, for the arguments I haven't had to have, for the words of a wicked woman that tore me into puddles of emasculated hopelessness, for the jealousy that no longer overwhelms my disposition, for that empty hope that I no longer have to strain to keep nestled against my heaving chest), 

while also rationally perceiving what cherishments are now lacking
(somehow still pining for that distant bosom, for the adventure, for the intensity of endurances before unknown, for the sexual achievements of those two impassioned lycanthropes I clearly remember tearing into each other, for those moments when I did it right {the right song, the right words, the right apology, the right direction, the right lessons absorbed}, that fucking mouth drawing raw magic from my spine and toes, for the precarious energy that neither of us hesitated to embrace, for those fleeting moments when I could picture my own spawn emerging from the walls of her body {into the world, to learn, to teach, to just be goddam cute!}, for the memories).

There is no doubt necessary to understand that we both did it wrong. So much to learn about respecting and being respectable for both camps; it is overwhelming how much understanding is left to gain for us each. 

I made countless mistakes myself; these stand out to me with more significance than any trespass that she left unhealed, for I know only one person that can be helped from my reflections. 
I was outrageously unfaithful, weak by anyone's standards, impatient, too horny to function as a reasonable being, impulsive, and dishonest. There are few things I can imagine that I would not have done to get (back) into her sensual graces. I was a monster.
It's hard not to grin, looking back on so many times that I was just a complete fucking bastard. Silly bear, what was there to gain? This is no exercise in blame, though, for our combined energies were innately dangerous in enclosed circumstances. With enough pressure to burst or break under, I recall countless savage and primal flesh wounds enacted for reasons we may have not even known in the moment... I know I did not deserve respect, even though it was hard to resist asking for.

BUT...
I dont regret any of it. I forgive her. I forgive me (although I still deserve to be spanked horribly for a long time to come for some of my exploits). 
I had an often unbearable weight of love in my soul for that human, and I wouldn't have it any other way. So I embrace this sense of simultaneous missing/repulsion that I now carry. It is fucking heavy, though!
But here I am, learning, loving anew, finding so much more to learn than I could have imagined. Gaia has been so kind to me. The shattering sound my heart made attracted new wonderful wolves to scarf me down. 



Ah, it feels so good to get this out! Out! Out! Into the light of the moon, to dance in the flowered whispers of the greater spirits, I call you OUT! 

I love this life, and hold great gratitude for the ride.

<3, 
Bears

Anger Rests Deeply Upon A Bosom

Bad kids, fighting against the abuse inside. 
Righteous heart that's trapped like bars on a cage.
Empty words, 
Empty head. 
Zealous,  
Yet so vulnerable to apathy. 
Inside of heated moments, 
Searching for a clueless slob to devour. 
Going in circles, 
Only expectations to fulfill. 
Nothing is left here to spoil 
Except the future that you approach.