two dead
family got a little smaller
and my house lost a friend

Erik i didnt know a damn thing about you
and now its gone

i dont know how to feel
except to say that it is horrifying
to think of the situation of how you were found,
and to consider a life extinguished...

one day later i am greeted home
by the glowing but dead eyes
of a feline acquaintance
i had so enjoyed.

The pool of blood
is still drying out front.
Love doesn't heal love doesn't help
It won't change the core
It doesn't teach a person to be better
It is fucking garbage
A poison
Toxic sludge pumping through my veins
Love is primal
And basic
And violent
And selfish
Fuck your brain and it's dishonest chemistry
Love will not strengthen
Love is a weakness
It is a comfort that distracts from true progress
Fuck you and your broken minds
Fuck me and my broken hearts
this time, walk into my mind
all the way inside, this could be the best tonight,
this could be the best to-

with your hands over your eyes
welcome to your life

You were always on my mind

this time, we dont have to run, we can stay awhile
and smile half the time

this time, we can comprehend that its all been done again.
oh i can never end
I died again last night
after that blasting from the observer
i was ended and felt this slipping away
and it was fine
Plunging into this subconscious Goddess state
I could walk and talk inside of her
Accompanied by the thoughts of my common form
Escorting this woman through my ways
thankful for the words
that have come and gone
as they lay idle like corpses
outlining the road
that led me from the madness


where you're open again
calling out
flashing slivers of lip
crumbling thighs

and all the while
greeting rain
with a thirst
too multifaceted
to pleasure away

hallucinatory middle-ground
where its never enough
and the stakes are all odd
and the need is calling
My gratitude is pulsing with the kind of color
that follows the good fortune
of having this time to heal

There is no connection to preserve
other than the tendril attaching
this soul to the earth

This circumstance is conducive to a greater worship
that would see me standing tall, wings outstretched
in an unmistakable exaltation towards today
and just like that i am beautiful all over again
up and down and side to side

if i stop to focus on how far down i was,
i'll never fight my way into the waiting arms
that grasp me back

the phase has shifted
and i'm panning towards the right


this is the point when my words become used
in efforts to conjure the totems of a satisfied existence
that may be waiting patiently along my path ahead.

the words that i will speak and write from here on out
will form the framework of the life i must possess

the emotions that dwell behind me
have done me no service
and must be released


Here I am, sweet supple world of chaotic wonderment

It is I, a strange traveler, seeking madness
like the juice pouring from the corners of your lips
seeks it's way to the dirt below

What next kindred spirit might sing in harmony
outside the courtyard of my time

I beckon you in,
glorious vessel,
so that you might nudge me
closer to that which i've sought

We shall marry our arms
in the sort of congregation that
only we could ever follow

goooood fuckin luck

Antidote to
Never being enough for me
I will forgive her when I become equipped to
raspy glowing voice glides like sun-softened coconut oil from the quagmire of my fears
as I am pushed to accept that nothing will fill this hole for an indeterminable period
Fuck the mini bike
at 6am the whole world is alone
now the sky is peaking at the break of today
fucking garbage minded
phallus bashing
life smasher
you are the fire in which you burn
flesh melting off the bone
blackened husk
of a darkened soul
she returned from the island
pregnant with chaos
apparently logic is flammable

nothing could calm it
chilling sense of no return
our affections could not survive

i am grateful for the others
sex and attention can distract the pain
and get me far enough away

now there's a chance for healing
even when it gets lonely
better this than living a lie
She was already gone
in a soft pack of whys
like the glimmer of dawn
that lived deep in her eyes

Much better my heart
silenced facing the rest
than a quivering mind
and a long-spoken chest

She had always been gone
something fleeting and wrong

She had always been gone
to a fanciful place
to the eye, inner peace
spoken truth, inner hate

My body is old
with a definite wish
of a keep holding back
if a falling amiss

grand (dream)

the air quivers in delight
as my fingers find those precious keys that sing in harmony,
eyes closed, mind adrift,
in this darkened respite at the edge of some distant festivity

I remember the electric sense of reverberation
and my skin prickled and hair stood on end;
it was as though my body and mind had found
some predestined pathway to nirvana
in those intuitive intervals and notes
played for no one but my self.

the violence that might become (dream)

blasted from the sky, feeling the inertia without all the noise of moving this fast
plunked into shallow water that somehow cushions my vulgar impact
i belong to this creek now as i am washed away
until there is a light with an ominous context
i reach out with my voice and the light is extinguished as a form emerges from the shadows behind
as all inertia has taken form if only to creep me the fuck out
as i am flung into consciousness by some figment in my sleep

i don't belong here

the world is chauvinistic
and wants to dominate my smile

tiny golden glimpses between the fence
to validate something different

yet its all bullshit
just a distracting hopeless lunge down

im not that way,
or at least i dont know how to be

at least i'm lucky enough
to suffer only discomfort and confusion

there are lives and lines
that carve much deeper into such pain


Like two point blank shotgun blasts to the cranium,
each request left little to the imagination.
She had always been too quick, too brash
for him to keep up on any level she would allow;
and here it was,
drawn out for him on the mental equivalent of yellow snow,
the tumor-ridden husk of a once sanguine attraction
lying doubled over at the threshold of this tiny house.

She was free now
to chase the bigger and the better,
as her pleas had been fulfilled
by his total evacuation from
any shared plane of interaction.

He had forfeited the whole world to abscond,
even if it had been more her style
to participate in this mass delusion most call life.

I will bury you somewhere beautiful

in time

and then when i am alone again

i can dig you up and taste you

for a moment

The toxic air was the only thing keeping me buoyant 
Oh if only i could breath in the disease
A poison poem by someone else,
sent by proxy from good distance;
and with what rhetorical armaments
might you be attacking my reticence?

Some advice:
Pull the plug on anything
that does not strengthen,
and take your energy out
on someone who remains deceived.

Please remain obtuse
with eyes i cannot meet
Our endless gratitude is yours
if only this charade survives

Lets continue to smother
our impossible dreams
in favor of becoming
finally satisfied with living

This tightness in the chest
must be ignored
to allow for prosperity
to sparkle
i was not worthy to bask in the wind
couldnt take the bitter cold
and now as the climate shifts towards warmth
i have run out of air

Sticky Kleenex

In reality she couldn't be farther away from me, 
but in my dreams she is always hiding just out of view. 

Until she remanifests without effort 
to present me with distressing visions
of a life I will hopefully never tangibly endure. 

Last night was too damn much. 

I Must Escape You...

... and it's easier to hate than to miss

This petty rage is unwieldy
and much more inclined to give in to doubt
than to maintain sufficient indignation

It was never a matter of betrayal
though the tension was bolstered to bursting
under the weight of such vacuous deception

In truth only zealots
poised to promote pure chaos
would seek the higher ground
around this labyrinth of flooded trenches
that spans between us

Consenting to resuscitation
can no longer remain
a viable option
if any semblance of prosperity
is sought to survive

All the more precarious
as though made tangible
near-lethal waves of raw magnetism
grasping and poised to eradicate
all progress towards complete withdrawal

So once left to the devices
contained in thoughts of the malevolent and bitter
faithful absention might allow for the degree of dispersal
required to lead each towards unique designs
in the struggle to unearth a worthy legacy


fifteen minutes worth of purge
hair sprinkling into the sink
i wash it all away
and become what's underneath